Swim caps, weapon caches, and cool cigarettes, man.

Buddy,
I said.
I know it doesn't seem fair, and that's probably because it's not fair. But the answer is still no: just because your sister is getting a swim cap for class doesn't mean you are too.

But Daddy!
he said.
I really want one!

I know.
I said.
And when you are swimming underwater across the pool by yourself and winning races, and if you grow your hair out super long, then maybe I'll think about getting you one too. Why do you want a swim cap so bad?

Well,
he said.

They're kind of like cigarette lighters, cause they look really cool, except cigarettes are really bad for you. A swim cap would look really cool on me, that's probably one reason why I want one. Because they look really cool.

Okay.
I said.
Thank you for your honesty regarding tobacco, and I am glad you recognize how bad cigarettes are for you, and I respect your interest in fashion.

You're welcome.
he said.
I'm never going to smoke cigarettes, it's just that they sort of look supercool but they're bad for your lungs. And another reason I want a swim cap is because it would make me look like a ninja or a superhero.

Okay.
I said.
So the main reasons you're wanting a swim cap have to do with how stylish it would look on you? So mostly having to do with the look of it, and also I'm glad that we're on the same page with cigarettes.

You're welcome.
he said.
Except I also want to wear one because if I was crossing the road and I fell then it would protect my head.

Okay.
I said.
You got me there. Does a swim cap actually protect your head outside of the pool?
Or even in it?

Well,
he said.
Probably not a super lot but maybe a little.

Okay.
I said.
So those are all the reasons why you want a swim cap?

Well,
he said.
Besides, I also want a swim cap because when I wasn't swimming then I could use it as a bag to hold my knives and weapons.

Okay.
I said.
Is that something they recommend using a swim cap for?

Well,
he said.
Probably. I don't super know if it is, but I could just carry my knives and weapons in it when we go swimming and then I could take them out when we got there.

Okay.
I said.
But what about protecting your head when you're crossing the road?

Oh yeah!
he laughed.
I forgot about that. I could just carry my weapons in my backpack then.

**NOTE: the term "weapons" in this dialogue refers primarily to various sticks wrapped thoughtfully and deliberately in multiple layers of coloured duct tape, masking tape, scotch tape, and electrical tape.**

So.
I said.
You have laid out some of the most interesting and diverse reasons I have ever heard today for why a five-year old with little interest in getting his head under the water should get his own swim cap.

I think you've pretty much covered all the bases. Is that it?

Well,
he said.
I almost forgot: if I had a swim cap then it might help me keep my hair dry when I went swimming.

I don't know.
I said.
Are you sure that's what they're meant for?

He shrugged,
and grinned. Then I accidentally did too.

Someday.
I said.
Someday.