bluebeard

There was a time, once upon a day, when certain habits were frowned upon. Habits such as scratching one’s bottom at the dinner table, or chewing parsley loudly during a bishop’s sermon, or vigorously inspecting one’s nose while interviewing for a position at a bakery. These are all habits that have been considered undesirable at certain points in history. But this story is is not about those habits. This story is about a man who had a different bad habit.

Mr. Bluebeard was an extremely wealthy man. He had not made his money himself. He had inherited it from his father, although he liked to tell people that in fact the only way his father had ever helped him was to give him a small loan of a billion pounds to get his business going; when folks would inquire about what business he had started that made him wealthy, he would get angry and tell them to mind their own business.

Because he had two big secrets, and that was the second big secret: that he hadn’t actually ever made any money successfully as a businessman. In fact, he had been losing the money his father had given him his whole life, and in fact, he was a horrible businessman and had no idea how to run a successful business. That was a secret that no one talked about, but everyone knew.

Bluebeard has another secret, and that secret has to do with his bad habit. His bad habit was not itching his nose, or scratching his posterior, or passing the potatoes the wrong way at dinner. His bad habit was murdering his wives.

In fairness to him, he was not married to multiple wives simultaneously. Up to this point in the story, he has been married six times, to six beautiful women, and each of those six women, at various points in the marriage, have mysteriously become disappeared.

This is passed off as coincidence by those doing the investigating, and because of habeas corpus, which was a legal idea in the country he lived at during the time he lived, no one was ever able to prove that he had done anything with them. They were just poof! Gone! And because this country, at that time, had extremely strong libel and slander laws, no one dared write or say anything about it for fear of being sued. So here poor Mr. Ronald Bluebeard is, single again, and he steps out on his porch for his morning milkshake and fries, and what does he spot…

...but his neighbor. Or rather...his neighbor’s daughter. His neighbor Anthony’s daughter is reading a work of literature by a Prussian poet and Bluebeard catches sight of her in three-quarter profile and is blown away. She is so beautiful. The fact that she is a reader does not even deter him, as it usually does. Most of the time, he’s learned that people who read books were more likely to try bullying him and not doing exactly what he tells them to do, so he has generally stayed away from women with books. But she is too beautiful. He has to marry her.

Skipping through a bunch of boring haggling and negotiations and such, Bluebeard ends up getting her. She is not happy about this, but sadly, at this point in time in this particular country, she has no recourse. She is forced to marry him, and she is forced to go live with him next door in his giant castle.

Shortly after marrying her, he discovers her name is Eva; a discovery he is unhappy about, as he is not in favor women’s names beginning with vowels. He orders her to change it, and she agrees to immediately do so and tells him she’s going in to sign the name change documents at the courthouse when they’re open next on February 30. He grunts assent.

She is banned from any contact with her family. Eva had a bad habit though too. Her bad habit was actually two bad habits: Number one, the bad habit of not obeying orders when she was banned from doing something, and number two, the bad habit of curiosity. So when Bluebeard announced he was leaving the country on business - which she supposed was probably actually gambling in Monte Carlo - she decided she would exercise her first bad habit, and maybe the second one too.

He leaves her with the keys to the residence, which he likes to call his chateau, although it really is more of a stinky castle. “You can go anywhere you want,” he says. “Except to the room that says ‘Secret Entrance to the Chamber of Underground Secrets.’ You may not, under any and no circumstances, go in there.”

She thought about what he had said. The exact wording: he said “...you may not, under any and no circumstances…”

She loved good grammar and realized that technically, his use of double negative canceled out his command, so legally she would be fine. Eva vows to check it out, but first she throws a little party and has her favourite family and some friends over. It gets crazy. It gets late. Everyone’s tired.

Except Eva. She whispers to her sister Dora that she’s going to do something adventurous and dangerous, but not technically illegal, and Dora is a wonderful and adventurous sister so she agrees.

They go down to the door labeled ‘Secret Entrance to the Chamber of Underground Secrets’ and enter secretly. They strike a light, and immediately one of them shrieks and the other gasps as they enter…

...for in the room are the missing wives. They are no longer living. At long last, there is proof. Proof that Bluebeard is behind the disappearance of his previous wives. They run out of the room and Eva tries to grab the key out of the door...but it won’t come out.

Bluebeard returns the next day. First, he walks in and demands a milkshake. Second, he goes to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later, he comes out and looks around.

“Give me the key.” he says.

“What key?” she whispers.

“The key I gave you that opens every door in the chateau,” he snarls.

“Oh…” she says. “That one. I accidentally left that one in the door to the Secret Entrance to the Chamber of Underground Secrets.”

“WHAT?” he advances on her ferociously.

She bravely stands her ground and pulls something from behind her back, thrusting it in front of her.

“What is that?” he thunders.

“It’s the Book of the Law and Governing Statutes,” she says. “And it says in here on page 473 that if a wealthy husband gives his wife an inaccurate or poorly worded command, then she cannot be held at fault for not following that directive.”

“Give me that,” he snarls, and thumbs through to the page.

“Fine,” he says. “So what?”

“Well,” she says. “You told me that I could not go into the Chamber, quote-unquote “under any and no circumstances.” You used a double negative - no, in conjunction, with any and no, so I’m pretty certain they cancel each other out.”

“Hmphh.” he said. And spent the next ten minutes reading through The Book of the Law and Governing Statutes, and The Book of Grammar and Good Language, and finally he looked up.

“You’re right.” he said, shaking his head. “You really are right. I am lucky to be married to such an amazing woman.”

“Well,” she said. “I found your wives in the Chamber. They’re not alive.”

“Ah, yes,” he said. “Them.”

“I’m going to the constable,” she says.

“I know, I know,” he says. “I want to be angry at you, but technically, legally, you did not disobey me.”

He carefully sets the books back in his library, and then he accompanies her to the city courthouse, where she delivers him to the authorities and he confesses to everything.

“Goodbye, dear husband,” she says. “I’ll never see you again, but I also read in The Book of the Law and Governing Statutes that it looks like I’ll be getting your chateau and...pretty much everything you own.”

“I know.” he said. “That’s fair. I really should have paid better attention to my language. I really do love you.”

“I know.” she said. “I believe you think you do. But we’re not the best match. Your bad habits are being controlling and murdering your wives and picking your ears, and my bad habits are being very curious and being very persnickety about language and its correct usage.”

“I know.” he said. “That’s one of things I’ve learned to love about you. Will you visit me in prison?”

“No.”

She said,

And she went home to her new chateau, where she lived for the rest of her long life with a merry bunch of people.

Remember the importance of curiosity and good grammar.

The End.

[Original source material: France]