Nine conversations with nine women.

“We're all just human”- pen & marker illustration by me and my daughter (2012)

Becca and I split parenting and work. One works, the other schools, plays, and raises young minds and hearts. Then we switch the next day. We have done a variation of this for over eleven years and going strong.

Strong-ish?

I am not avoiding the phrase SAHD (stay at home dad) for any particular reason, other than the fact that it doesn't quite apply in our case accurately. We both raise children, we both work, we both stay home at some points and work at other points. It's great when there's one parent to work five days and one parent to stay home five days or whatever, but that's not us. We keep things hopping and make things work. Most of the time, mostly well.

Well-ish?

This means I have spent a great amount of time accompanying children to many places and to many events in which I am either the sole male parent, or one of the few.

There are more dads in similar positions now than there used to be, but I still tend to be the minority gender in many environments. I am a fairly friendly chap and initiate plenty of mini-conversations, but I am a bit sensitive to being on the outskirts; to the hundred unspoken ways you can find yourselves being on the outside of something; of a group.

As an example: we're at an ALE (alternative learning environment) school twice a week. Have been attending with kids for going on four years. Great school, lot of great people and environment filled with respect and kindness.

I go up with the kids one day a week, Becca goes the other day. Again, going on four years.

Not that this matters, but my wife is hot. A lot of other things too. I'd probably lead with hilarious, kind, and witty, but sizzling hot is probably a phrase I'd include somewhere in there as well. I state this only to emphasize that my motivation for being up at school is the same motivation that I think most other parents have:

to support their kids and help out.

Not to develop romantic relationships with other parents.

I don't think I'm especially intimidating, or aggressive, or unintentionally flirty, or lacking in social proprieties.

But most of the time, when there is any sort of parent-to-parent communication, it goes through Becca. As in: I'll give Becca my phone number, but not you.

Even though I'm frequently the one trekking our kids around to meet up with a given parent. Usually a mom.

Not always. But it is the rule rather than the exception. And I even sort of understand some of it, I guess. But I still feel kinda bad.

The showing up at a playground and having to make sure that it's clear I'm there with my kids. Watching moms hop off their phones when I show up and suddenly be more interested in checking where their children are at. Miles, off the monkey bars, come get a snack!

Maybe my beard is intimidating. Maybe I shouldn't do so many pushups. Maybe I should smile more.

Anyway. I came back from a day at school with the kids, and I bragged this to Becca:

Guess what?
I asked, bragging.

What?
she said.
You sound very proud of yourself. Like you’re bragging.

I am.
I said.
Nine women talked to me today.

Really?
she, not missing a beat.
I mean, they do sometimes, but that's quite a few.
(she looked me up and down)
You do look pretty good today. Kinda hot.

Yeah.
I said.
Thanks. But this was different.

What do you mean?
she said.

They kept coming up to me.
I said.
This wasn't me being friendly, like I usually am. This was them being friendly and super nice and starting conversations. I have no idea what happened.

Well,
she said.
You actually do look pretty hot today.

Well,
I said, ignoring this mostly.
Don't objectify me. It's not about that. I just don't know why they kept talking to me.

Yeah,
she said.
That's weird.

Don’t get me wrong,
I said.
You can totally objectify me sometimes too.

Okay.
she said.
Maybe I will later.

Well then,
I said.
You probably want to hear about the nine women, and my conversations with them.

Yes,
she said.
I do. Right now though?

Well,
I said.
I'm going to write a blog post about it. So you can read it after I'm done.

Okay.
she said.
You do look hot.

NINE CONVERSATIONS WITH NINE WOMEN.

[ these are snippets ]

#01 /// Goats

We're getting pygmy goats,
the mom informed me.
We have five acres, and we're getting goats.

Pygmy goats are the little ones, right?
I asked.
Like the ones that are not giant and do not attack people?

Yes,
she said, laughing as she sat at a desk in the hallway and flipped through papers to grade.
They attack blackberries.

That's better than attacking people.
I said.
When do you get your tiny goats?

In a few months
she said.
Four of our five acres are for farmland, and we don't currently have animals, so we're going to get goats to help with the blackberries and to make sure we get the tax exemption for farmland.

Cool,
I said.
I may need to be talking with you again soon about goats. Little goats.

Anytime,
she said.

#02 /// Not Indians

I do not recall the genesis of this conversation, or how we casually came to be talking about ethnic identity and the role of embedded institutionalized language in the educational system, but I do recall that it was a very nice conversation with this very nice woman who told me her strong feelings on saying ‘Native Americans,” not ‘Indians’ as we approached the holiday season.

I agree.
I said.
I’m Joseph. Not Joe. People, individually and collectively, deserve to be called and referred to with respect and with the names and identities they assert.

Most people don’t know, she said,
but I’m part Choctaw.

#03 /// protecting kids, relatives

I had a lovely interchange with a multiple-daughtered mom about protecting kids from the world - which is a common refrain amongst many - but also the importance of protecting kids from relatives or those close. That can be a much more difficult, and much more necessary and relevant challenge.

#04 /// unicorn slippers

I like your slippers,
I told the woman with purple hair.

Thanks, she said, laughing,
they’re unicorns!

Oh. I said, that’s happier than a horned horse.

Yeah! She said, laughing more: I love unicorns.

#05 /// math at RHL, cats

I spoke briefly with a woman who has very strong feelings about some of the math teachers, and also she has two cats. I know their names, but do not remember who her children are.

INTERMISSION : David at Starbucks

How has your week been?
I asked David, a cheerful early-20s fellow who is saving up for a ring to propose.

It’s been good,
he said,
I had a few days off, so I fixed a leaf blower. I like doing that sort of thing.

I have some things that need fixing that you might have fun with, I said honestly.

#06 /// kids behaved better when moms were at home

A random woman at Starbucks tried to compliment me, perhaps one hundred percent incorrectly assuming that I’m a fundamentalist evangelical just out with his boys on a dad’s day:

It’s wonderful that they’re behaving,
she said, looking at my blond beasts.
You know, kids used to behave so much better when moms stayed at home instead of working.

Have a good one,
I said, smiling,
I need to call my wife now on her lunch break.

#07 /// Brit lady, bus stop

The 30s mom sighed.
I have three kids…
dreamily, she considered an easier life:
I’ll probably never go back to work now.

#08 /// Untitled

*My notes are insufficient to bring this conversation back to memory. It is gone forever.

#09 /// Russian woman

Will you always homeschool?
she pressed.

I don’t know,
I said honestly.
We’re trying to do the best thing for each child at each point. As long as it’s the best thing, we’ll keep going.

I do not recall the pivot points in this conversation, but I do recall that there were some abrupt shifts to other topics, such as wondering if we were fully vegetarian, and if we could send her some YouTube links of us homeschooling.

Well,
I said,
we don’t usually post videos of us schooling on YouTube.

Okay,
she said,
then your wife can text videos to me.

Again, this is the way it has often gone. The moms who will speak to me, but if it comes to exchanging contact info, then it’s somehow more proper to go through Becca. This has, on more than one occasion, led to some convoluted messaging, the following of which Becca and have both mildly suggested that perhaps they would be okay simply contacting me directly.

——

Finally

At long, last, finally, I was with her. Woman Zero.

I had nine conversations with nine women today.
I reminded her again, as we slumped onto the couch for the first time that day sans children.

Nice,
she said.
You make out with any of them?

I thought carefully.
No, I said,
I don’t think so. I don’t actually think I did today.

Okay,
she said.
It’s fine if you did, I was just wondering.

Yeah,
I said.
I don’t think I did though. Do you want me to give a detailed rundown on all of them?

Actually, nah.
she said.
Maybe later. Let’s watch television.

So we quietly slipped into each other’s arms, and watched the lives of others on a screen, and I briefly remembered that this was and is my favorite woman to talk with, and then we kept watching TV, and it was wonderful.