I am Dad (hope & guidance for my teen daughter).
Preface
I was going through some old papers and came across a bookmark. I have no idea where it came from, but it has been quietly hidden amongst other fellow, yet dissimilar papers, for a year or two, or decade or two.
This bookmark has the following title at the top:
I Am a Responsible Girl
This led me to believe that I might not be the target audience, and led me to be interested in how I might have come to not only possess this, but to have retained possession both at the time, and up til this point.
Before recycling, I decided to craft my own version. I have a 13-year old daughter of whom I am fond and am bested by frequently in many activities, including verbal sparring and banter. I am a Christian, and therefore strongly opposed to the administration of Donald Trump. Also, I am listening to some of my favorite songs from 1981, which includes Iron Maiden, New Order, the Go Gos, Billy Joel, and Echo & The Bunnymen.
I’m her dad. Here’s the thing:
I’m not afraid of her.
Yeah. I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid to love and hold and hug her.
I’m not afraid to talk and banter and argue and go toe to toe and head to head with her.
I’m not afraid of any age.
I’m not afraid of her friends.
I’m not afraid of her being who she is and allowing me to be a part of her adventure into the unknown that is everyone’s future. My job - one of them - is to provide safe passage through some tough ground, to be a mixture of guide, leader, follower, teacher, student, tutor, sensei, pupil, and cheerleader.
My job is not to uproot and remove every obstacle in front of her.
My job is to help prepare her to face any obstacle she might have to deal with. Or rather,
to help her grow a root system and build a foundation built on principles that allow her to deftly, nimbly, quickly, and capably use intelligence, wisdom, and empathy to deal with life’s circumstances in all its sometimes-beautiful and sometimes-cruel forms.
And yes, sometimes my job is to flop on her bed when she’s busy doing something else and bother her. To ask what’s going on and how she’s doing and what her friends are up to. That’s pretty important too.
It’s not quizzing or interrogating or pumping for information. It’s having a conversation. And the most important relationships I have are generally built around having some sort of good conversations as a foundation.
Anyway, there are two columns below. The first is their mandate for my daughter. The second is my hope and guidance for our daughter
This is “I am a responsible girl” #1
Their version
My kisses are worth more than a party or a movie.
My response
Your kisses are yours to give. I will not try and force you to kiss anyone. Not me. Not your grandparents. Not your baby brother. Your kisses are yours to give. And I hope that you will always think carefully about who you give them to, regardless of what kind of kiss it is.
I am a responsible girl” #2
Their version
My body is the temple of God-not a plaything.
My response
We are a Christian family and believe that our bodies are temples of God and are meant to be respected. So respect your body. And respect other people’s bodies. Our bodies in and of themselves are not sacred. They are meant to be cared for and used; they are meant to move and run and jump and help others and yes, they are intended to be used for play. As play. But you are the only person to decide that for your body.
Not me. Not anyone else. You.
I am a responsible girl” #3
Their version
The first “NO” may be difficult-after that it’s easy.
My response
We’ve taught you from the time you were an infant and toddler how important it is to say “No.”
“No” is one of the most important words a person can ever learn. I am so proud of you for learning how to say it with respect and confidence. Doesn’t matter what it relates to: if something makes you uncomfortable in any context or situation, remember you have the strength and the confidence to simply say “No.”
A lot of people have trouble saying “no.” I emphatically agree that it’s important to learn how to say No. That’s why we’ve made sure to support you in learning to stand up for yourself - even to us - and respectfully, kindly, firmly say “No” when you need to. Or feel you need to.
I am a responsible girl” #4
Their version
Virginity is still a virtue; lust is still a capital sin.
My response
Um, I’m not even sure what this means. The way this is phrased makes me think it’s your job to uphold the family honor and keep our good name. Whatever that means. It sounds like lust is a pretty bad thing. I’m not really entirely sure why virtue and sin are used in these contexts. Doesn’t capital mean ‘something punishable by death?’
I can tell you right now: there is nothing you can do, no action I can imagine you taking that would make me okay with condemning you in this way.
I am a responsible girl” #5
Their version
The way I dress, act, and speak may be a temptation to my boyfriend. I will observe modesty for his and my own protection.
My response
Um. Fuck this shit. “May be a temptation?”
You are someone who thinks well, thinks hard, thinks deep, and has a great love for aesthetics and style. As long as your wardrobe and physical presence are a manifestation of you; of your style, of your independence, a reflection of who you are inside and it is driven by you, then I support those choices. At least I will try my best.
It is my job, our job, to help our sons - and male culture at large - learn to reject the idea that they’re
too weak to batten down their id;
that they’re not strong enough to control their primal impulses,
that they’re unable to treat women with equal respect because something is being worn that gets their blood engorged and racing.
It is a man’s job a boy’s job; it is our job to bring up and to educate boys; boys becoming men, it is a male’s mandate to treat women with respect. Regardless of what they’re wearing or how modest or immodest it is interpreted to be.
Also, I hope you carry a certain reserve with you always that will help protect; an awareness to not give up your heart, your body, your secrets, yourself to anyone on anything less than your chosen terms. Or to anyone who thinks they have a right to demand anything from you, including as a result of what you’re wearing.
You respect yourself enough to not give yourself and all you are to everyone.
And you respect yourself enough to wear what you feel good wearing.
I am a responsible girl” #6
Their version
My parents have done so much for me I wish to always be a credit to them.
My response
Well, uhh, I’m a parent. Your dad. So of course I’d like to think that someday you’ll recognize or appreciate what we’ve done for you, in terms of investing in a relationship and helping to grow into the strongest, kindest person you can be. Of course I want that.
But it’s also not your job to make me happy.
It’s not your job to make me proud.
It’s not your job to pay us back by “being a credit to us.”
That’s a transaction, not a relationship.
I am a responsible girl” #7
Their version
My boyfriend will be a husband and a father some day.
My response
Maybe he will. And I hope you will always take relationships seriously. Including any romantic ones you might have some day. Maybe the first fellow you date will be the one. The One. Maybe. Or maybe not.
It’s important to take things seriously, and it’s important to not take things too seriously. Sometimes you figure things out right away, and sometimes it takes a while.
I hope that whoever you are with, that you will thoughtfully consider his qualities and character, and whether they run deep enough to be someone you’d want to be with long-term. I hope that you can have the discretion, wisdom, confidence, and strength to not invest in temporary relationships that aren’t going anywhere.
But I also want you to have fun and to realize it’s also a dangerous road and slippery slope to make things more serious than they need to be before their time. I don’t want you getting locked into something with someone you’re not madly and crazy about being with, just because he ticks the right boxes for potentially being a ‘good husband and father.’
I am a responsible girl” #8
Their version
He must be a hero in the eyes of his wife and children. I will do nothing to prevent that on my dates with him.
My response
I’m not even sure exactly what that means. I think it has to do with sex, and going back to Original Sin and Eve and not being a temptress…I think? So basically, it puts the responsibility for his choices on…you. So if he behaves in a way that is not hero-like, the idea is that you must have done something to cause it.
I am all for personal responsibility. I am all for owning up to the potential we have for influencing others around us with our words and actions. To pretend otherwise is lunacy. But we also must bear responsibility for the actions we take. Male and Female. It is not your responsibility to make him look like a hero. It’s his job to be a hero if he chooses to be, and that starts by treating you with respect and honoring your autonomy and your choices.
I am a responsible girl” #9
Their version
I want to be a wife and mother. I will reserve my purity and affection for my husband and children.
My response
Cool. Sounds good. Again, choice is choice. I want my children, including you, to think about the future. To consider at some points the future family you might have. And I’m actually okay with the word purity being thrown around - although it sounds archaic and non-specific - if it was used to refer to genders equally. But I’m fairly certain it’s not. How many articles or sermons or fundamentalist manifestos do you see urging boys and men to be pure?
I know, there’s organizations and movements supporting universal premarriage chastity and such, but again, I’m fairly certain the specific word “purity” is used to place women, metaphorically, on a pedestal; to ostensibly respect in some sort of chivalrous manner that sounds good, but yet again…is about removing the element of personal choice in the matter from the person it affects.
I am a responsible girl” #10
Their version
If through my weakness, I should get pregnant, I will not take “the easy way out” by killing my unborn child.
My response
Okay. So here we get to the primary purpose of whatever organization is behind this : it’s all about the abortion. Or, the anti-abortion. Pro life. Et cetera.
This is tough. Not gonna make this all about abortion here on the last item. The short version is this:
I am not going to support letting the predominantly-male political bodies of our country decide for you or for any woman I care about what they should do with their bodies.
I could handle the Pro Life activists and organizations better if I knew that it was a consistent message, and that that Pro Life message carried into activism regarding adoption, welfare, immigration, contraceptive support, access, and education, and a host of other areas that are about preserving and enabling Life.
So, uhh, there’s that.
I don’t know what else to say. Those who wrote this manifesto may be good, caring, kind people, et cetera.
But it also signifies on a larger scale the problem with, say, chivalry. Chivalry sounds great. And there are elements of it that are great.
At its heart, chivalry is about disrespect.
It may not think that’s what it is.
But it is.
Because an attitude of chivalry, embraced fully, means that males must look out for
and make the optimal choices for women in the name of protecting them,
in the name of keeping their virtue and purity intact,
and in the name of ensuring they stay on the correct path.
It is about removing choice.
As with many, many situations, giving someone the respect of choice does not mean they will always make good choices. They may not.
I will always look out for you, my daughter, and my sons, my wife, my family, those I care about as best I can. I know they will do the same for me. There will be periods of life where different children need more guidance or assistance or accountability with choices than others. But I know that we are raising you and your brothers to live with principle, to live with integrity and honesty, to live with kindness, and to live…
…with a respect for others.
So stop telling my daughter what to do.
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