‘Sometimes you must protect your charges from flimflammish tomfoolery, but also be wary of shifting loyalties.’
A flimflammer's accomplice searches for a place in the snow to plant a money tree
I walked into their bedroom on this glorious holiday, into the middle of what appeared to be some sort of transaction; a transaction I was not welcomed to with enthusiasm.
Whatcha doing?
I asked casually, nodding my head as I imagined a cool American in a Guy Ritche might do walking into the middle of an illicit transaction.
As the younger looked up, I realized I had misread the situation. I wasn’t walking into an illicit transaction, per se…
I was walking into a scam.
The Con Man, the Flimflammer in this scenario looked up at me, eyes twinkling with hope that my silence could be promised: Uhh, oh hey Daddy, I was just, umm, talking about money, and, uhh…
The Mark looked up with excitement: Oh hey Daddy, yeah, did you know that -
He was quickly hushed by Flimflammer.
Uh, don’t you need to get back to, umm, whatever you do?
I leaned against the wall, and probably looked very cool. My interest was now absolute.
Flimflammer turned back to the Mark, determined to see the transaction through.
So, as I was telling you, did you know that if you plant a dime, it will start growing money?
I sighed, my jaw tightened, and I began to insert myself into this transaction.
Flimflammer accelerated the game: So, if you start taking your dimes and planting them in the dirt, then wouldn’t it be cool if they grew into a money tree!
Flimmflammer looked up at me with a twinkle, mustering all of his 11-year old craft to game the justice system and recruit an ally : me. He might have winked. Right Daddy?
I quickly turned my head into a cash register, counting up the potential coins the 5-year old Mark might have that I could split with Flimflammer; I also considered the possibility of sneaking back to surreptitiously dig up the Mark’s coinage could be a memorable and bonding experience for me and my oldest son, suddenly known as Flimflammer.
Problem is, the Jiminy Cricket conscience sledgehammer kept cracking my internal cash register open and I realized that there might be those in this world who wouldn’t consider me a fine gentleman robber for assisting one son in looting the piggy bank (or literal money tree) of another.
I looked at both and shook my head, certain that hard though it was, I was doing the right-ish thing. The younger cut me off. The Mark. As I tried to explain that he was, in fact, getting bamboozled by his grinning sensei of an elder brother, he aggressively emerged as his bamboozling flamfloozer’s biggest defender. He assured me, with great confidence, waving me away, looking up at His Brother the Elder:
I trust you,
he said.
I trust you with everything you say. Do you need money? You can have that piggy bank with money up there.
He points up to a shelf. My eyes followed his finger.
Umm, I said. Are you offering your younger brother’s piggy bank to him?
He tried to keep a straight face, but unlike my conscience, it failed him.
Umm, yeah! he said brightly. It is! But it’s okay, we can plant that money too.
We quibbled, quabbled, squabbled, bickered, and even did a smidge of arguing for some length of time, a session in which I was backed up by no one, and finally I thought to ask the question I should have asked long before.
What do you need money for?
I asked Flimflammer.
He looked at me as if I were daft (which I am mostly not.
Then at his younger brother, the Mark-turned-Accomplice. They both turned to me, shaking their heads, as if the level of my idiocy was beyond comprehension.
He laughed in disbelief.
Duckweed. he said. Duckweed. For my pond.
Yeah, his Accomplice said.
We need to buy duckweed.
A quote to scratch your head by
“I value my money like I value a naked mole rat in a hospice center.”
-an 11-year old
self-diagnosis
“My head’s hurting, so I think I should do yoga”
A 5-year old, then navigating himself to YouTube to begin his regimen of healing
Here’s free haiku
The snow is so white
But we have a goat who poops
Winter can turn brown.