'Get mad at those in power first.’

Skate park school

I don’t remember why he got mad at me. Or maybe he wasn’t mad. Maybe he was angry, or irked, or irritated, or frustrated.

Or maybe he was just sad or tired or both, and it manifested itself as being mad. His choices of who to be mad at were the following:

Himself
His younger brother
The nameless, faceless presence surrounding, which could be anything from the concrete (a twig or concrete step) to the abstract (God, the wind), the super-abstract (the unfairness of life in general and the futility of trying to enact change, et cetera).
Me.

There’s probably other options. But those seem the most likely targets. And here’s something I can offer to my kids: Option 4. Me. As a target. Why? Because I want to be a target? Because I want to be a lightning rod for criticism or anger, because I want to be the target of someone’s wrath or fury?

No.

Because I can take it and because I’m in power.

That’s a sort of inverse beauty about the whole ‘unfairness of life’ principle: those in power have to accept that they deserve to be first in line when people get angry.

And the powerless have to understand where to target their anger.

Yes, there’s something to be said about owning your emotions and making internal changes and all that. Learning how to center yourself and find healthy outlets for your emotional state. Agree.

But if you need to be angry and you want to do something about it, then don’t start with those beneath you.

Don't start with your peers. Start with those in power. Because that’s what strong-minded, strong-willed, strong-caring people learn to do. They fight their way up.

They don’t lash out at people with less power or authority. That’s what bullies, dictators, autocrats, sycophants, and excuse-makers do.

Leaders and Learners (and they are conjoined) fight the power.
They channel.
They recognize and remember that getting angry at people you’re responsible for or in charge of or have a level of authority or experience more than…is counter-productive for everyone.

So if you’re up on the hierarchy in a particular situation - like being a parent - then try not to take out your anger on a younger and smaller person. A child.

If you’re a medium child, don’t use your anger on a little child.
If you’re a big child, don’t use your anger on a medium child.
If you’re an adult, don’t use your anger on a teen.
If you’re a President, don’t use your anger on a Gold Star parent who didn’t vote for you.

Basically, own up to the anger you have and find a place to direct it. Not tuck it away to languish and rot and turn into something worse. Turn that anger into something constructive.

If you direct anger to someone less powerful, then it becomes an easy-fix drug, because resistance will be less.

And then you keep going back to it, because it feels good to take out frustration on someone weaker. It makes you feel like you’re doing something, getting somewhere. But you’re not.

Focusing and targeting your anger in a constructive way upward means you start to take responsibility for change in some form, and you recognize that you are a part of it, that you have skin in the game, that there are consequences, and that it isn’t easy.

It’s easier to swim downstream than upstream.
It’s easier to target someone underneath you than someone above you.
It’s easier to destruct than construct.
It’s easier to go after someone who can’t hurt you than someone who can.

But if you target your anger into something more difficult than ridiculing those with less power, something that involves meaningful words and actions, that is focused on changing something you don’t like and are angry about…then you are beginning to channel it into something with the potential to be productive and beneficial.

When I speak of anger, I have to include a fundamental part of our family’s foundation: not only do not hit, we do not use our bodies, ever, to physically harm or disrespect another person.*
*Note: Yeah yeah, except in cases of self-defense and life-threatening scenarios, etc. Also, we are a very physical, roughhousing, wrestling family. I refer specifically to aggressively using our bodies in any form to invade, disrespect, or hurt another person intentionally.

Just because you’re in power doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Just because you’re powerless doesn’t mean you’re right.
And of course power exists on a continuum, not as a binary absolute.

There are plenty of occasions where awful things happened to those in power, by mobs and crowds and the surge of collective power that comes when the powerless band together.

Getting mad at those above you doesn’t mean you’re right.
It’s just a better place to start than getting mad at those underneath.

Another note: Normally I don’t speak or write in such a hierarchical and binary manner. “Above/Below. Power/Powerless.” We are all human and all deserving of basic human respect. But in a pragmatic recognition of reality, each of us will constantly be at some point where there is a power imbalance. I am the father to my kids, which means I have greater power than they do. Period. They deserve the same respect as I do, as anyone does regardless of age. But I am also responsible for them and possess a power over many decisions in their lives, along with their mum, to a degree that would make it ridiculous to present ourselves as a completely egalitarian family. We are Mom. We are Dad. We are at the top of the Power Pyramid. For now. And that means, well…you know that whole ‘with great power, et cetera et cetera.’

I am a hypocrite.

I am certainly a hypocrite. What do I do when somebody ‘underneath’ me does something that I a) told them not to do and b) creates a mess, in some form, that has to be dealt with?

I often get mad.
I frequently get mad at that person.
I sometimes do what I just said a person shouldn’t do:
I get mad.
At them.

Where we find strength

Strong people hold themselves accountable, and they don’t run away from ways to hold themselves accountable, or from trustworthy friends or family to help hold them accountable.

I recognize how pompous some of these words might sound. So it’s important to clarify that I’m writing this first and foremost to myself.

As a reminder.
As something to continue working on.
Writing this down is a way to help hold myself accountable and remember what’s most important.

So I keep trying. Isn’t that a tragic, yet perhaps beautiful statement?

I keep trying.
Keep trying what?
Keep trying to not get mad at people with less power than myself.

I keep trying to do better and to hold myself to it. To find ways, when the People entrusted to my care and responsibility make mistakes, to help them learn, to be patient and constructive and to…

…not target my anger at them.

But to channel it into something constructive and if I must rage, “…to rage against the light, to rage against…” something more powerful.

Not something less.

The strong, the leaders, they don’t take out their anger on those they care about and those they’re responsible for.

They fight up for change and action that is meaningful.

That’s the harder choice.

Other notations and learnings on the day

Two thoughts on eating

Number one: eat outside as much as possible.
Number two: eat together as much as possible.

Some days, like Monday mornings, it’s difficult to do either. But you still set benchmarks and aim for them. Even when you miss.

Learn what gives you confidence

They clasp hands as we march in, people surging past, expressions of all types behind masks being worn in a continuum of hands, and their hands glue together as they give each other a surge of bravado. Age 2, age 5; this gentle point of being in a quantum state as peers, elders, youngers, followers, leaders, experts, comrades, and brothers.

They provide each other confidence. They may not always march around holding hands, but it’s a relevant and accessible tool in their survival arsenal right now. And I love it. We should hold hands more. Hand holding shouldn’t just be for teen couples, newlyweds, and parents with toddlers.

Whatever age you are though, we ought to learn how to identify the people and methods by which we gain our greatest confidence in a particular situation. Know thyself.

You make little rituals with casual friends and with deep friends and with potential friends.

Maybe you send a selfie of you and your boys at the skate park every Monday morning to a brother you know will especially appreciate skate pics.

Maybe you stop by the front office at a school to take some stickers by for the super-nice women who drop whatever they’re doing to say hi to their 2-and 5-year old friends.

Maybe you take some quiet time to yourself and lovingly arrange your matchbox cars and toy horses in a visually pleasing arrangement, while life around you spins around loud.

Maybe you make minutes in every day that matter more in an extra-special way.